Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 in broken pieces...



When i look back,
i have often seen my life (even egoistically so), as a fine complete vessel that i handed with gracious dancing into His hands...
But as this year draws to a close and i quietly reflect
at all of the painful memories when that vessel was thrown hard to the ground
and all the fine pieces of me mixed with mud and tears and many questions of why...
I give myself away...


As the clock ticks on 2012
I have crouched low, and allowed those pieces be delicately held back together...even with glue that i suspect may be fragile and unfirm.
Many times i have screamed and cursed at His help..
'Why help now-you allowed all of this in the first place?!'
'Leave me and let me mourn in peace, start my life anew directions i only deem proper!'
And often when all else failed, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!'



I have not ended these notes with any amazing dawning to all of questions,
But still...I give myself away...
Here is me that was sturdy and secure, now needy entirely of your grace,
Still handing it all yet again back to you.

If I have not learnt anything at all this year,
i've have at least understood to drink full of the cup mixed with pain and tests of integrity and faithfulness.
And the words that remained etched in blood:
'Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial bacause, having stood the test, he will receive the crown of life...'

I don't understand it, but i see it...
that if you append your agreement at the start of the contract,
then when all hell breaks loose and (somehow) through it all you manage to hang on,
never once ripping it all to shreds,
then when all the madness ceases and the sun shines,
there truly is a fine reward.

I still don't understand pain.
I've often wondered if we did not all sign on to become sacrifices at the mercy of something we cannot see...scarry...
Entirely like C.S.Lewis explained in 'Till we have faces' (God bless his Soul).
As one after the other, it happens to the best of us.
The braver ones have held up noble faces to the heavens
and counted it all pure joy to face trials of many kind,
counting it as a privilegde...
I only wish for quiet days...feeling like i've been through enough.

I don't understand it,
because i didnt become a valiant warrior for all of it,
instead i reached another level of broken,
and a confidence that is not me and only lays quiet within.
Yes i know how to face some battles now,
and when the times comes again,
i know where to assemble my defences.
I won't be crouching or whimpering....

I don't understand it because my hopes have grown dim
I won't believe anybody who preaches lofty messages about utopias and wonderland,
instead i quietly observe and advice for him to wait his turn,
and only pray that life will not deal him too hard.
My hopes are dimmed because like a war torn soldier,
i still sleep with the weapons and a ready hand under my pillow...
and i wonder if that is how to live life.

A good friend of mine stayed with me for a few weeks,
and He loved the song by William McDowell.
I hated everytime he'd look straight into nothingness and sing along from the depths of him 'I give myself away, so you can use me.'
It just doesn't make sense, i'd tell him...
You have no idea what He is capable of turning your life into...
as my own thoughts delved back into memories.


But as the clock ticks on
and i find under the carpet, that reluctant missing piece of my fine china vessel,
the part of me that trembled at the thought of giving it all entirely...
I understand...
and i hand it to Him...
and walk away,
singing into the new year...

Happy new year folks
Don't forget to pray for those hurting.
May all of tomorrow be ever so finer than yesterday.
Emmanuel...God is with us...for whatever life may bring.
At least, that is my own confidence.




I Give Myself Away

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Verse 1:
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I’m longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

Verse 2:
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Bridge(7X):
My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself, I give myself to You
Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

About a break-up and Two cups of 34C

I could not have asked for a better way to end the Christmas festivities, other than a tribute night of Frank Sinatra enjoyed over sparkling wine with a beautiful old time bestie, all overlooking London's night skyline. I have concluded that when i die, and my loved ones discover hidden in a steel vault- the link to this archive of useless blogged musing..when you read this post, take it as my dying request that Frank Sinatra's 'My Way' be played as my charmed remains are being returned to mother earth.



But back to the perfect winter's night with F. that formed this quick post. F is currently going through a break-up with a long time boyfriend, and we'd met up because she finally wanted to discuss the matter surrounding the breakup. So, just as the curtains closed on the song 'something stupid', she finally spoke.

We'd all heard about F. and T.'s breakup at the same time. She'd sent a broadcast message two weeks before christmas with the brief words: 'T. and I are no longer together. BB will be turned off for some time-I'll be fine'. Then she'd sent another message to five others asking if we could do France over the weekend with her-she needed support. Who could say no. There were no tears in France., neither where there much words, and nobody pressed for an explanation. Most of the time, she was nestled into someone's shoulders and just stared ahead into nothingness. When it was time to leave on sunday, she finally cried, and said that was the end of the matter. I can never understand where that girl gets her strength from. Her blackberry has been off since then so i was nicely surprised when she sent me a text message to come for the Sinatra event with her.

'He said he's not satisfied with my body-He's not sexually attracted to me.'

I was taken aback. They'd been together for seven years.

'He loves me, we're amazing together, i'm his best friend, and he knows he's going to regret his decision, but he said if he goes ahead, it'd mean him sacrificing his sexual needs, and he doesn't feel strong enough to do that. He said he's never cheated on me, but with a future together, he sees it as inevitable.'

She managed a weak smile.

'So, that was it. Seven years, we've been through the worst, enjoyed the best, and gave it all up because my breasts are not big enough and waist line not round enough. At least he was honest.'

I didn't say anything. Maybe because i am not a fan of giving cliche responses. Maybe because i hated to admitt that in an off-hand sort of way, i admired the guy's honesty (albeit utter foolishness) or maybe bacuse i was just short of words. Either ways my mouth said nothing, but my mind raced through alot as i penned this thoughts.

I remained quiet and allowed her settle into a left handed embrace. We asked for a refil of our glasses (maybe wishing it was that easy to also ask heaven for a small top-up to my hurting friend's cup size) and waited for the next song to begin.

P.S. F. is a really really awesome person. She's beautiful, funny, highly intelligent (i kid you not), and she's got the best smile. I reckon she wears a 32A...but T.V and porno reckons that good sex begins at 34C.



Love or Lust..i've ben asking people the question and everybody's so far insisted on having the two. So what happens if the two do not come in the same package? So far...no response. It's a funny sort of vicious cycle...we have commercialised and promoted sexuality...and are alarmed at the subsequent rise in infidelity. Who is shooting who..man and woman alike?

I am none a saint, because i have also wished for the two, and hesitated if i was asked to only pick one. Today....I know I'd pick a fine soul, a glossy body.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

*How to become *awesome* in 12 Christmas Days*



I walked out of the office plugging in my earpieace and allowed the device run a random shuffled playlist. The song that came through was Jamie Grace: Hold me-which i absolutely love! I whopped an imaginery hi-5 and literally walked home dancing all over the road-to the astonishment of many whiteys! And as i allowed all that madness run its due course, i realized that i am in love with T.Notes and gave up trying to contain the bugger into a Moss suit. Therein lies my first quick & random Christmas note: The answer to the question of 'How to become super awesome'!Merry Christmas Note folks.

I will admit (even at my age), that i have had the worst bouts of personality disorders over the past year!Which may be understandable, as i have gone from corporate to campus, to loads of pubs in bewteen and to...wherever it is i am right now-because i dare not say i have it all figured out still. Many days i woke up, recalled the previous day and looked at myself in the mirror wondering, 'who the f%*k i am?!'. Do you ever wonder who you really are and what you are about? I've been many different persons to the many different people i interract with so much that you tend to get lost somewhere in between. And the problem with not understanding and appreciating the one singular person that you are,is that you give any external person the chance to screw you over. Being screwed over or made to feel any less than you are worth, is not awesome.

So, how then do you become truly awesome in 12days? These are my scribbled christmas diaries of my own reawakening.


This is not awesome
:
During our induction/training week, there was a talk about 'branding' yourself for your first day at work, because 1st impressions are supposedly lasting. Hence they advised us to get it right the very first day. So i did just that...my best suit and best smile...all amounting to crap as i struggled the first month getting adjusted to various forms racism. The real answer was found in breaking all the rules of propriety and following 12simple steps:



1.Get a smart asian girl as your office email/gossip buddy. Why? If nobody likes you initially, they'll start to get curious once you let out random snickers and involuntary laughters whenever your outlook pings a certain email. Nobody likes feeling left out of the joke so they soon start to smile at you-all for an excuse to peep into your computer sreen whenever an email drops. Check!


2.On a random friday night, ditch your study plans and go for drinks with the girl who sits beside you and another fun guy. There's still no better way to break the ice than the classic game of truth or dare after a few tipsy glasses. The problem thereafter is that within three hours, two random strangers are privy to your most embarrasing secrets. The upside is that those two now become your tighest office buddies. And to get ahead in life/work,we all need buddies. Check!

3.Find your blog again, and fall in love with her. Go through your oldest posts, read the funniest comments and marvel at the ones that streamed over 70 replies. If you have maintained a faithful blog for at least some few months, chances are, therein lies your true self. Every other person you are trying to become is bullsh&t. Check!


4. Stop by at the west end topless bars. I was only innocently on my way back from a stage musical when i passed by a club and noticed a bevy of stark naked girls inside. I stopped, rubbed my eyes and retraced my steps. I was not dreaming...there truly truly were naked women that club! I deliberated a night plan diversion, considered what damage that would do to my pocket (i'm certain you don't pay 5bucks to oogle at anybody's muffins), then just satisfied myself with retracing my steps back and forth only a few more times across the club entrance, getting quite a bit of an eyeful before headed back home having fully appreciating the wonders of multiracial female bodies.#God-is-good. Check!


5. Never ever pass on a chance at the office xmas party to hold hands with a bunch of drunken whiteys and sing along at the top of your voice to 'its my life, its now or never, i aint gonna live for ever, i just wanna live when i'm alive..its my life!!!' Check!

6. Whenever your girlfriend changes her DP to show a better angle or some cleavage, be sure to appreciate and tell her how you can save the world and stop world poverty with just a jar of maple syrup and her hot curves on a dinning table. Inappropriate is inappropriate,but i'm yet to meet a woman who didnt say thank you when you tell her she's got great.....curves. Check!

7.When you get invited for a team building christmas event at Hyde park, never ever agree to go skating with the lot. Duh, Ofcourse black men cannot skate! With that bit of common sense in place, go along prepared with your camera and video recorder, get a good position next to the skating ring, have a steaming glass of Mulled wine by your side, and proceed to acquire evidence of the ones making a fool of themselve with embarrasing efforts of learning how to skate. Ofcourse this will amount to no good if you do not circulate the pictures at work the next day. Check!


8. Realize that the past 10weeks of Alpha classes have been the best time of your life! And that the bunch of friends you have made are truly just amazing. You have not had as much 'unquestionable fun' in a long time,and the soul searching and sharing has been purely revitalising. Alpha course will take you back to the roots of Faith, and give your mind&intelligence the chance to accpet what you choose to believe in, not just because it was necessary/popular in Nigeria, or because it appealed to your emotional needs, but because you now understand it...the histories of Christianity, the theological perspective, and the depths of the Bible. Then you will believe, because you now CHOOSE to believe. Check!

9. After you have done all these, you should by now be well into a chilled out gear, and can start appreciating who you are, what you enjoy, what you love about life. Your vices, addictions, the kind of music you like, what gets you going, how to relax, the kind of people you like, and most improtantly, you should have defined once again your swagger. At this point in time, you can start telling anybody who does not like you to 'go hug transformer'. Simply because you like and appreciate yourself, you're comfortable in your own skin, you don't have time for 'sme sme', you are pretty much allergic to bullshit. Check!


10. Decide to become awesome! I am product of enduring grace-i never fail to acknowledge that. Grace, since when at 8years old, i walked into my now-turned-pastor making out with a neigbhour on the dinning table...then at 10 accidently slotting in what should have been a mickey mouse club video, only to find instead Miss Trisha Savage sucking on something that did not not look like lollilop...and the stories thereafter are a long thing. But Grace still...But the thing is, for whatever measure of grace you have bestowed with, the responsibility now lies with us, to take hold of it, and begin the race with it to become truly truly awesome. Purpose to become the best you can be! Whatever needs to be done in order to achieve, get it done. Grace yes, but if you need to kill yourself studying, learning, dreaming, achieving, then grind your teeth into it, and make it happen. Grace is awesome, truly truly awesome, but i have a strong feeling that grace sets your feet on the mark...it is left to each one, to run with the wind.
Check!



11 & 12....may still be left blank, because like i earlier said, like all people, i still am yet to have it figured all out. And let the disclaimer be sounded that for the one who decides to literally replicate my experiences as summarized word for word, you may truly be ON YOUR OWN!

Merry Christmas to all of Naija blogsville....the smartest community of Nigerians far and near. #Shout-out to all the newcomers-who keep the continuity alive with much needed zest! I've been reading some super cool new blogs--fine things lay ahead for 2012! And as always, kisses to the ladies, and chop knuckles to the blokes.

Now go ye into the worlds and be a*w*e*s*o*m*e!!!Yes Yes, Just-do-it!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Say a prayer for Ashley

I'm sure most of you have been saddened by Ashley's trending 'secret' on youtube. But i ask that you do not only shed a casual tear. Instead, say a prayer every now and then for her and her family. It's the least we all can do.
Only God knows....

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sex Tapes: Did Nigerians get more Kinky or the Girls more stupid?


Unless if every girl really truly does have a secret desire to become an internet porn star, i just don't understand what is going on back home with Nigerian girls!

This thought comes after i was sent (yet another) curious link of a Nigerian sex tape full blown on the internet. Clearly from the looks of it, this was a young couple getting down in their private living space without any act of commercialising their deeds. But also clearly (and probably unknown) to the female, the raunchy guy had a camera hidden somewhere. And the girl looks nothing like a slut, albeit a proper girl next door who might be cringing somewhere right now-if she knew that comments are streaming over a thousand in admiration of her...ahem. Well or maybe not, if she does as earlier pointed out, posses that inert ambition to become an internet porn star.

So has much really changed since i left home?!!!I thought we prided ourselves in our knack for discretness...or at least properly covering our tracks and not spreading dirty raunchy linen in public space, much less the www.world wide web.

My Point#1: For pits sake, if you're going to get down with a guy,either ensure that you do it within your own private space (not his house!). That precaution may reduce the chances of hidden cameras behind photo frames.


My Point#2
: If you do have kiny inclinations and knowingly allow yourselves some private video coverage during the nasty, for pits sake, never ever leave the memory stick with the guy!!!No matter how much you trust him--your secret never ever stays secret once its on video cam!!!Even worse if he's a one night stand,boyfriend or non-husband!

My Point#3: The internet is for public usage! Get updated women! Know what is going on the Naija social networks scene. The www does not end at Facebook and twitter! And because you fail to know this,the mice come out to play (brandishing your thongs and secret tattoos) when the pussy is out (no pun intended there). Get familiar with all the less popular Naija social networks, and if you know you have a sex vid somewhere out there, best you check online every now and then and ensure you have not become the laughing stock of the day!

I don talk my own!

Here's a quick article worth a laugh.....

How to Keep a Naked Photo Safe

It’s easy to take a naked picture of yourself or your partner. But how can you keep it safe and make sure that no one sees it other than your partner or yourself? Make a note of these pointers.


Don’t show it to your friends


So you’ve managed to cross delicate grounds and now you have a snap of your partner in your hands, or a video in your cell phone? Nice.

But as much as you’re craving to show off your lascivious X-rated romp to your pals, refrain from that.

Showing off something that private can be funny and exciting at first, but would you want your pals to know every single detail about your partner, right down to the last freckle?

And what if one of your pals actually like what they see and try to hit on your lover later, at the same time slipping the detail that they’ve seen them nude? When you spread smutty stuff, you’re bound to get entangled in one.

Hide your naked photos and vids well

Read the fine lines on the pills and tonics from your last prescription. They all say the same thing. “Please store in a cool and dark place”. Voila! That’s the same story with storing prurient content.

You may be surprised, but most couples do have their own stronghold of smut somewhere in their house. Even if you have your own collection of homemade photos and videos, you need to be very careful. Most of the stolen videotapes are actually stolen by sleazy pals with no integrity or honesty.

Your friends may be the best in the world, but temptation is hard to resist. So why give it a chance to bite? Just keep it someplace where no one will ever think of touching. Ever. No kids. No friends. No babysitters.

The long hand of the law

A jolt up your derriere may not be able to prep you for this. Different laws do put its long hands in unflattering crevices. You may actually be caught and arrested if you have sleazy tapes of yourself. After all, possessing carnal nudity is an offence in some countries, right? That’s another thing that most people don’t think about.

Things can be real bad if you live in the U.S., where grannies are getting sued and arrested for possessing their five year old granddaughter’s nude picture while taking a bath! But fathers in India aren’t getting jailed for having a snap of their four year old daughter showing her backside!

You never know, the law can seem fishy unless you know all about it. For starters here, don’t let those snaps and videos leak out. You may even be arrested in a few countries if you approach the cops for help!

Don’t let your family find it

There comes a time when there’s the crossroads of luck and misery. And you may walk into someone in the family, holding your risqué picture in their hand. It might be the worst thing to imagine, but there’s a good chance that it could happen, unless you’re very careful.

What can you do if any of this happens?

Didn’t I tell you, you meathead! I told you never ever to take nude pictures of yourself or your mate! What is wrong with you? Now look what you’ve done. Gosh, how embarrassing! How many times do I have to tell you that taking risqué shots is risky business? It’s easy for me to squirm out. You’re the one who’s caught, you nitwit. You deal with that. And don’t ever mention anything about being enticed into the art of nude bedroom photography by me! Period.

But on a serious note though, take nude pictures of yourself or your partner keeping the risks in mind. It’s hot and racy, but in the wrong hands, it could be devastating.

So is a naked picture worth the risk? Who can be a better judge of that than you?

On a final note: It is left to you to either take this post serious or not. But i am not kidding...your sh%t is out there streaming live on the internet!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Disclaimer: This is not my life.

This is the story of a guy called T. It is not my life...no matter how you choose to interprete it. But i will do best to re-tell the incident as it happened.

It is not my life because T. is a total bast3rd, and everybody who knows about this story has used even stronger language to condemn his callousness. T. was journey bound for Nigeria last week with his fiancee for their traditional wedding engagement. That was where i met the couple, because i also happened to be flying around that time.I noticed T. was fidgety on that immigration check quee, and every now and then, his concerned wife-to-be would look his way and ask if he was alright. Everytime, he mumbled an incoherent reply. All the way till the two had their papers checked and they were urshered through. I think it was at that point that T. realized there was no going back, and he just could not deal with it. There was abit of shuffle on the quee, and i think i heard him mumble, 'i'll be back dear', then he made his way out of the line and hurried out.I saw the look in his eyes and i knew he would not be...coming back.

I think his fiancee knew too, because she started getting frantic and calling his name. But he'd left her with three hand luggages that hindered her progress of getting out of the line in time. She motioned to me asking if i could hold on to her luggages, but the immigration officials immediately countered the suggestion and asked brashly if she was getting on the flight.

'My husband is...'She replied with confusion...'I just need to wait for my him, he said he'll be back...He...'.
'Madame, i'm sorry you either have to get on the plane or step out of the line. If your husband gets back in time, he'll join you on board.'

I knew he was not coming back. I watched him like a bad movie playing out in my head. He was walking fast, then picked up speed into a short jogg. He also looked confused...frightened. I could hear his breath quickening with every brisk step. He pulled a mobile phone out of his pocket and made a frantic call.

'TZ, come pick me up.'
'I thought you....' He didn't let her finish.
'Just pick me up now!'
He hurried out of terminal three and dodged into a nearby starbucks like a common thief. He waited there a sweating thirty minutes before a grey nissan pulled up nearby and he hurried inside and the two drove away.

I like TZ because she doesn't mince words...she's a realist, just like me.
'What the fu&k did you just do?!'
'Look i told you i could not go along with it!'
'And i told you not to go ahead if you were going to back out! For Christ's sake T!'
'Look, don't shout at me ok!'
'Ofcourse i'll fucking shout at you!I might be a bitch and all, but do you have any idea the chaos you're about to cause!'

And chaos seriously was erupting everywhere--on the BA Lagos bound flight, in Lagos, in the U.S. Phones were buzzing everywhere, everybody was calling, as the woman T. had left in the airport was making a very terrible attempt to understand a situation that was best only left to hollywood and bestsellers. I now understood fully what was going on, because her voice was loud, and tearful and disoriented as she made calls, and answered calls.

'I don't know where he has gone to!He's not picking his call! I don't know what to do?!!Should i leave the airport! Can you try to reach his t-mobile! Oh God, i can't breathe...was is going on...etc'

I can't explain any more than that...but for all who asked, does that answer your question?

Friday, December 2, 2011

pleaseeee

Please ensure I get home tonight.
Tomorrow's D-day!

Monday, November 28, 2011

The last notes (marrried people ought not to blog)

Who says I would ever get marrried?!

But my point nonetheless.Married folks should settle with their montonous diaper changing lives and wait for Jesus to return and tell them 'well done good and boringly faithful servant'.Yes I said that...and cue that for #1 why this blog is on the countdown.

I don't know where my non-commitalism came from.Which is why I have been here before and I ran.Quit my job,fled the country like a Moses on the excuse of needing a masters degree (which by the way I was allowed a distinction on).

But I am no freaksho(ace blogger btw).I'm not going to write a masterpiece telling how I have met the love of my life because last night I was still convincing TZ to ditch her bf and run away with me.
Maybe things we do to stall the eventual.

I think women scream about weddings.Men (most men at least,just let it happen and dismally watch the bank account dwindle).

Many are the words I could scribble,but I hold a 2000bucks ring in my hand now and wonder what the heck I am doing.

These are my T.Notes.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The last notes (confessions of a retiring blogger)



Three funny things happened within the past week.
1.I called home,and mums tells me her church pastor's been having revelations that I'm gonna turn out to become a pastor.#Don'taskmehow

2.I called clueless-in-stiletoes(blogger with the sexiest voice and ceo of veniviici.Forgive me A,I still struggle getting d spelling right!),and told her i want to buy a fat ass diamond.

3.I called musco(blogger) and he told me he's seeing visions of baby drama in my life.I cursed his 2nd generations and slammed the phone.

I will explain in the following notes...

P.S T.Z now speaks in terms of when we get married,if we get married...and she's got a man...and I might be going to France next week for an evil job.

I have a lot to get off my mind...there are my T.Notes.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The T.Notes Quickie Quiz!


Really simple:
Where or when is the name of God exalted the most-
Irrespective of faith,color and tribe?

Clue-its not such a quickie!

Friday, October 7, 2011

all the world's a mini skirt and random blogs..

Good girls are the best,but a skank will always make a man look back.Matter of fact,a girl who knows how to hike a mini skirt and has mastered the abc's of seduction owns even your married man.#womaninthestreet,freakinbed-is all I want for xmas;-).

Just like the girl on the 9th floor.Once she gets off her sit,every guy observes the ritualistic 10seconds of silence-as if in worship of her winding buttocks and the wild places her hips take our minds to.

Have you heard the one of,#we live in a world of condoms?Talking about latex,never realized how highly sudsided they are in nigeria!No wonder the stagerring teenage preggers in here!

I've given up on the quest to tame my sex-thang.It is such a lost battle.I've been adviced to find me a girl who will screw my brains out.You know,the kind of woman who #does you,then gets off to light a cigarette whilst waiting for your limp d#*k to recouperate.

So on the flip side,I'm being wooed by a guy in the office.Suggestive emails,naughty winks,date pleas,the works.I always knew my loud laughter will get me in trouble soon.

Today I considered the fleeting thought of kissing a man.Brrrr..and that's not the coming winter's chill.

Talking about winter,ooooh,this one's going to be the worst.To all my accomplices heRe in yonder land,pls keep tabs on each one the other!

Because I am not totally unaware that my chances of going to heaven has been slipping away since the past year,I joined a christian help group in central london for people who are loosing grip of faith.It was however funny (in a sad sort of way) when it was my turn to tell my 'story' last week.After I was done,everybody was quiet.Go figure,you know you're in a bad place when you already know the text.

Talking about faith,pish,it seems to me (and my small understanding)that having faith back home was both a necessity and a fad.The real test,for me at least,is keeping faith when it becomes the unpopular alternative.

I need a date.Need a fun day out soon,and a blind date should add to the spontaneity;)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A question of faith

There's a game children play...
They would run off a little bit and look back at the watchful parent with a mischievous grin
Mother would give a eye of disprove,then the child would race back home with giggles
As if he was testing,to see how far off he could wander before you admonish him to come back home.

I got a mail yesterday from an asian friend
She wants me to come with her to one of those eastern faith conference
You know the types that emphasise on meditation and visions etc
The background is from when we lived together and we used to have long discusions about faith
The background is from when I felt it important to make effort to share the 'beauty' of my religious faith myself.

But as time and life happened,the importance of that duty slowly waned
I started becoming like the child who would test the waters of straying
Frequently looking back up for 'His eye of disprove' before I ammend my ways and 'come back home'
The thing about playing childish games is that some day you'll grow up and it'd be entirely up to you to decide if the same eye was enough to 'call you to order'
Or if like in my case,even screams from the proverbial parent now proved futile to gain attention.

Far from being a stylish note of western religious-independence,
I do really wish I cared,
And that my heart would not be so cold.
I sincerely wish I could have carried on that conversation today with a new acquaintance
Without knowingly cutting it short due to the bitterness.

And this is the note-
I truly don't understand my days
It seems to me like all my former efforts of living within the accepted lines of approval brought me no gain
Instead my days are complex and the decisions herein get harder and more tasking to make.
I can't truthfully 'market' christianity to anyone
Because I know from all the years of living it,
That its a hard painful life to live
Yes,its lived with meaning and yes there are occasional reveries of joy and respite
But the responsibilities...

Soon I stopped looking back for his disprove of my steps
The farther away I can get from his hard responsibilities,the better
And sought opinions couldn't matter
That's just the problem with living too long within the boundaries of faith-you sort of get to have heard it all and can masterfully preach your own through every side of the argument
But don't it wrong,
Somehow somewhere,in all of these,I'm still holding out for a hopeful happy ending to all these meandering thoughts
If I've learnt one thing that's remained-
Its that for mosts,every thing...is all in phases.

This was a personal .note.
And being typed out on a BB leaves room for plenty typos.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Back!

How deeply I have missed my blog!!!
It's a hard life being single and lonely-without my better half,sigh..my sexy ass slim toshiba mean beast.Whomever be the basterd that stole you away on that fateful tube journey,I rest knowing that he cannot love you like I do!!!
P.s,blogging with a BB sucks big time!But u can't keep a good man down!
P.s,another guy blew me kisses today.I'm seriously starting to be worried.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

What's the best way to kiss a wild girl? (And Life Interrupted thoughts)

So,what do you think?



What's the surest way to initiate a kiss with a wild girl?
My usual inclinations are to lean within close yet safe proximity and ask the rhetoric question: "What would you do if i kissed you right now?". It's been a sure bet because most times the lady gives no response,which in my POV is as good as a "yes" or a "curious go ahead". The other sure fire means is to still lean close, abandon the safe proximity,risk a hot slap, give a naughty grin and ask her to close her eyes. Well,maybe none of these have earned me a hard slap yet because in all instances,both parties have either been unabashedly naughty,drunk,or.....in love (#sigh on that last silly bit).



So I had a dawning today in Tz’s apartment whilst we tried to come up with a last days splurging diary/agenda b4 we both go our separate ways. She’s off to Paris, and me in the other direction.#shrug#. As usual, we argued, amidst bared fangs and naughty winks, but that wasn’t any concern, until we got to the issue of “McDonalds Burger” and she listed a thousand reasons why the $8burger from Mailbox is definitely better and Mcdonalds is crap. But i love mcdonalds! Besides, i like my burger cheap, because hey,its only burger! And that was when it struck me that, fish sticks girls, seriously are a bad idea for a life partner!

And a cheeky voice asked within me, “so really, who is a good choice for a life partner?”. I replied ruefully, “As if i know.”. And that’s the main concern...i used to know. I used to think i know the kind of person i want to spend my life with. I had a very good idea until my family and cultural society pretty much f$ckd all that up. You may refer to this post. I used to think i want to be with a woman who’s smart, funny, gentle, refined, enlightened, not too wild, and if she had all that, then i wasn’t particular about what she looked like or what anybody thought. So i found that sort of person once upon a time and all the priests in the backward village of Nigeria “saw into the future” and insisted that there would be dire danger in the path of our union. Like really,who still believes all these garbage?! So after fighting everybody concerned with that ridiculous saga, i packed my baggage, said “f%^k you very much for ruining my life”, then i relocated to the U.S.

Ofcourse in the U.S, i couldn’t give a f^&K anymore, so i found better company with every drinking and partying skirt up my alley. Fish stick girls are great company for parties, road trips and every misadventure in between, and the best part is, the days with them are too wild to permit your mind time to think about the real woes of your life. But now the days are calming down and i’m drawing up a wonder list and questioning, really, what do i want in a woman anyways?

Type A:
She’s your best friend.
You’re both fanatical about movies and often spend evenings under the duvet enjoying a good movie or exploring a new album.
Her looks are simple. She's a little less (ahem) endowed but you love her smile. (I cannot for the life of me understand why i am suddenly so concerned about a woman’s physical endowment as a part prerequisite.)
She’s spiritual and wants you to pray with her every night.
She likes to cut your nails and play with your hair.

Type B:

The first thing you notice about her is her curvy hips.
The second thing you notice about her is her perky boobs.
You love how you both argue about everything, with an underlying knowing that you both love the flirtatious arguments.
When you’re not arguing, you’re partying...come to think about it,i can’t quite remember any quiet moment with Tz. Last time we tried watching T.v, she slept off.
She’s not overtly spiritual, but she goes to church.
She loves life.

Or is there really no big deal to choosing a life partner, because in truth, with time and space, we really can fall in love with anybody, so just choose anybody right?

P.S: I honestly do appreciate the emails explaining that time heals all wounds,but i respectfully disagree and maintain that, "when life interrupts our paths,its only natural that we change,manage to carry on with life as time permits, but we never forget or heal. All that cliche talk,honestly lets not deceive ourselves. How many life wounds have you truly forgotten about, have they not made you who you today?But what do i know uh? #shrugs#

See why i think its better to just talk about kissing.

And wonder the best way to initiate a kiss with a wild girl....

Friday, August 26, 2011

It's only a number T.Notes...

I'm abit melancholic right now. Also knackered and seriously needing the bed after an early morning shift. But i need to put down this note just for me,and hey maybe you too.

Two things happened today that had to do with random digits. The first happened as i woke up by 3am and began an hurried preparation to get to Tesco for an early morning shift. On my way rushing out of the flat,i realized i'd forgotten to confirm that my staff i.d card was in my bag. #Dang!I need the i.d card because it has my staff i.d code which i need to access entry doors and get work done. But i was running late,so i took a moment to recall the number i'd been punching in frequently for the past year.I figured i had a good idea of the number,so i rushed off to work without checking for the i.d card. I got to work and indeed i had the number memorized quite right. I keyed into the building and work for the rest of the morning was a breeze. When my shift ended, i clocked out and left the building. It was afterall,only just numbers, 6digits to be precise.

I got home tired and found the mail i'd been informed should come in today. It was a huge package from the office,canary wharf.

It had inside P45&46 forms, information about my options on employee benefits&investments, annual bonuses, itinerary for a posh induction week, whom i would speak to on my first day in the office, stuff about company gadgets - mobiles,laptops,etc. And at the very top of the letter was the important detail i'd also been expecting. A six digit number which would grant me staff access into the towering bank's building. I didn't do my signature "whoop whoop holler" or scream.I only heaved a sigh of relief and called the number i was directed to call to set up an employee bank account for me. The lady on the other end was friendly and asked calmly: "Can i get your staff i.d please?" I looked up the 6digits on the top of the letter and recited it. She responded, "Perfect. Welcome to xyz Bank T.Notes". She then proceeded to set up the required ish and ooch in preparation for my first day. It was afterall,only just numbers, 6digits to be precise.

Did i ever mention that the Bank also sponsored a new work visa application for me? They handled all the documentation,paid for it and sorted it all out. All i did was reply their mails and send them my passport. This is the quiet:...I'm only just a guy,you know. That's what I said to myself in the mirror this morning knowing fully well that might have been my last day at tesco. "Why are so good to me? I'm really truly just a screwed up,messed up guy who's struggling to keep it all together.". I know people who've been here longer than me and are still struggling to find even a part-time job. And look at me and and my big head totally jumping all the red tape and processes.

God blesses us for a reason...i know my reason and my cross. Its like how those old cartoons used to say, "with power comes great responsibilities.". I fully well know that. But all the same...i'm really only just a guy. But a new day is ahead,and i'm not kidding myself to think its all going to be a stroll in the park. I still have hard prayers yet unfulfilled and You should see the caliber of Cambridge, UCL and LBS guys (n ladies) Smart ass dorks,&jocks the bank also took up!BUT GAME ON, BRING IT ON!This Naija no dey carry last!
I used to work with a Nigerian chic back in Tesco who's now booked a flight back home for september. In her own bitter words, "The U.K has nothing to offer international students.".I disagree. And its not just about the U.K or brains. Its the God behind it all. So like supercool neefemi, i pray for everyone who has a similar need to which i had. I pray not just that your needs are met, but they are met with a testimony that will astound anyone who hears it. God bless you...God never fails, hang on, and DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE THAT DREAM HAPPEN. IT IS POSSIBLE...afterall, i am just a guy, who's switching from Tesco's 6digit staff i.d, to XYZ's automated staff access PIN.

I still almost dropped a $50 worth of fine wine today because i was checking out awesome booty, but still...how He loves so...One of my Fav worship songs,because of the deep story behind it, how how he breaks down midway in the song. The song was inspird after he lost his best friend, but still...God.


And ending on a proper T.swaggerlicious note, DANG, I LOOK GOOD IN A SPIFFY SUIT!!!See all those naija chic heads turning in Uni. yesterday. They wan kill themselves over fine boy!

Oh,if you wanna hear the story of the song:

A love that celebrates weakness,and is true to God....i think that's what counts the most.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

These oyinbo people will just be vexing someone sef!!!

From my part-time work:
(1st thing in the morning)
Our records indicate that you did not attend your confirmed shift at Tesco High Street on xxxth August and did not inform us of this. You now have a 'No Show' on your file. Please reply within 24 hours advising of any extenuating circumstances or errors on our part or you will be issued with a Feedback Report and further action will be taken.

Regards,

xxx

My Prompt reply:
Abeg, go and hug transformer jare!!!

No dey vex me today, i am not in a good mood! Ehnn, somebody no fit sleep forget come work again?! Abeg, go and die jare!!

Kind regards

T.Notes



My real reply:


Hello xxx

Thanks for your email......blah blah blah.....



By God's grace,i should start my proper LondonBigBoy Job next month and all these ass-kissing for a GCSE Certificate holder will reduce. But seriously,i'm vexed!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

How i became the inglorious basterd that i am.



I spoke to a friend today and my heart felt like lead - out of sadness for him, and as a result of the buried emotions within me i'd long tried to stifle. But today it all came out like a dam overflowing its ugly banks, as i remembered all that made me the basterd i have become today.


7 years ago and some heated words still never heal. You can only disown a child once and its best done on his 20 something birthday.

Mother: It's either you choose this family, or that girl! Let me know your choice today!
T.N: (Quiet)
Mother: So you will not let her go?
T.N: (Quiet)
Mother: Then, You are not my child! It's your life, do it as you wish!
T.N: (Quiet)

The arguments were replayed every single day. Looking back,i wonder how i maintained a single opinion for so long.Me myself, i get strong head sha.
Mother: What is wrong with you?!How difficult is it for you to break up with a girl?!
T.N: Because all of the reasons you have slated,as far as i am concerned hold no weight. I am entitled to my own opinion- in the choice of the person I WILL SPEND the rest of my life with.I,not You.
Mother: She must have given you something to eat! They must have taken your name somewhere, that's what it is,isn't it?!
T.N(Dry laugh): Then there must not be a God up there. If there is a God, then the authority and faith we hold in Him should be bigger than voodoo and charms. If at all she was that sort of person-we know she is not.
Mother: You are just a child. You cannot understand.

For some reason, that one always stung the most. Being thought to be a fool, even when it was easily acknowledged that i used to be one everyone relied on in those days. I was supposedly the most spiritually inclined; I held the best grades (i must have at least been reasonably smart right?), i was the most introspective, i thought everything deep and through. She used to come to me for advice when everything was falling apart. Now all of a sudden, i am a fool.

T.N (Dry laugh): I guess i am a child then. I'll wait to grow up and understand. Till that day,i cannot do something that's against what i know to be true.


Its hard to go back to those days...the words were too deep and too hard. They cut deep and made bleed. Desperate,I sought counsel everywhere. I needed to be sure that i wasn't making a big mistake. But the others didn't see a big deal in any of the stress. The older pastors didn't, the counselors didn't,my older friends didn't, and worse still,i didn't. So how could i have walked away??

I remember my heart growing colder for all the four years that turmoil dragged on. I stopped caring...i stopped living...i receded deep within to protect the only thing that made sense in those days.I hate going back to those days.Dark dark days.I left the house when it reached its peak.I had the choice to stay i Lagos for nysc, or give up my privileged influence with the nysc authorities. I didn't care, i didn't want to be there anymore. So i walked far away. But pain does not reduce with space/distance. When i came back from the east,something had broken within, i was not the same person anymore. I changed.


There are many ways to consider the issue of parental discontent with your spousal relationship. Acknowledgely,in many instances, it turned out the child was wrong and was short sighted. But in some rare instance-like my friend's whose story i listened to today,there just couldn't be any visible sign to suggest that he is being the fool. Everything just seemed right...And in other instances,even where the danger signs are obvious,there is the element of love-so deep. Ahhh,the emotion is a funny thing,and can run stronger and deeper than we could ever imagine.My friend quoted from the final chapters of romeo and juliet,explaining that in some stories,both parties could just not bare the thought of living without each other, they'd rather die. And many have died for love. It's very common in india and asia even these days- i was surprised myself to find out. Ofcourse I don't succumb to the death decision (lol), but i understand where the idea may be steaming from. I have been there.


The funny thing is that even with all of the hullabaloo,the everyday living of marriage still holds most of its rough days. Marriage is hard work. Even where the two people involved loved each other to death and all of the world and the catholic pope ratified their union..there would still be days where they'd hate each other with the same ferociousness. There'd still be days when his secretary will make his blood burn with lust. She might cheat on him, the children will make their days rough, finances will still be hard on some days. And everyone of the unions must still battle against the odds of a divorce when the heats gets too hard. So yes the cynical part of me acknowledges that it may all not be worth it, fighting the world for one person...or is it?

But then again, when we are in love,as we all we be, love is all we have. Love, Faith and Hope for the best. I believe everybody should be entitled to that-especially moreso when the person's usual reasoning can be trusted. Heck, even with all the parent's good intention, many of them only endured their marriages to the end.

Anyway,i adviced him to write and let it all out in a blog and hopefully his last words will be a happy ending...he'd propose to her and the whole world will laugh with him. He laughed it off and said he'd try. As for me..well some people go through shit and heal and become better for all of it. Me,i just never healed. I just became an inglorious unbelieving basterd. That's why i have another date on friday with Tz.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Life,as we know it (My cross roads 4)


We never ever grow old of our admiration for super heroes. That's why old men are still making marvel comic movies and nollywood is still trying to create what looks like an action movie. I liked superman when i was younger. I used to wish i had super powers, until today when i realize that along with being put in a saviour/warrior position,comes some really hard responsibilities. Such as decisions and actual combat(shriek)!

Suddenly i am questioning, How can i be a super heroe when i do not have the cape, and i do not even like wearing spandex!I've mentioned before that my bulging crotch even makes me super picky in selecting boxer sizes, talk less of wearing spandex and red pants in public!


Suddenly i am making excuses of, "I have a stutter,you know i stammer, how do you expect me to speak up against authorities!" What if it turns out that what i believed in and stood up for was all crap? What if i lifted up my magic staff/wand and the seas did not part? What if an eqyptian arrow hits me as we make our way through the red seas?!


And to start with, what do i know about the art of warfare in the first place? One sobering fear that gets to me every now and then in these thoughts is an old acquaintance who carried his big head like mine and said he was going to war against cultural affirmation. He did good for a while until he travelled home to the East during holidays and his car crashed - killing him, his wife, and leaving a toodler child orphaned and at the mercy of the heartless villager's tug of war for inheritance. #Shudders# How i wish i was carribbean!
But i try to reassure myself that that's a lone incidence,and hey, i'll be just fine,would still be running my mouth all over the place until i am 95 and need braces to keep them from dropping off my jaw!


And these are all just primal fears,aren't they? Should we live our lives and make decisions just because we were afraid? What if i was right....what if? What if i turned and ran,and that voice remained as a haunt through my days,telling me, "You should have stayed,you should have fought this." But that's all action movie talk...Groan..i wish someone would turn off the sky digital channel that my days have become.
/

Someone recently said to me: The thing about our African traditions and all of the nay-sayers is that,they never consider what will happen to the other person who has become the object of scrutiny. All we want to do is save our own face. And the sad sad thing in all of these,and even my own meandering thought is that, i know without a doubt that,if i was the one in the position wherein she finds herself today, and she was faced with the choice to stick by me or not,she'd never ever walk away from me. It doesn't still make it any easier does it...choice is such bitch. I swear,at the end of all these,i'll put up a shiny 32 grin of me lounging in the carribean brandishing my new nationality passport. You can all be there singing:



Me,personally,i've had it with all the bullsh*t! #FightThis T.N#

Life, as we know it (My cross roads 3)

I've mentioned before that i wish this will all turn out to be being overdramatic and indulging my inner knack for theatrics...but i'm yet to wake up since this whole crap started and find that i was dreaming it all. The dang sickness hasn't gone away, my stress level is getting worse and i'm informed now to report to a family meeting in london next week. Do you see where this is going..as a part of me told me today, "To fight this, man.".

Now, in Nigerian style life, as we all know it, you do not pick a fight against your family. You do not fight against culture, tradition, and the last wishes of your parents. And if you choose to fight,then you are turning your back on everything. Walking away in the words of craig daid that's been taunting my mind of late. But i wonder against the fine voices of tradition,where my personal principles and hopes lie when it contradicts the genral fear of "family.". Its a hard one, and varied opionions will draw swords already in defence, i know...

You know that old song "Jesus take the wheel!". And i wonder, how do you tell the distiction between when to let go and let God, and when you seriously need to "Suck it up, and take charge of the direction you life would be going?" #LikeSeriously?#I know this might end up sounding luda,but its alright to pray and hope and have faith,but as of now,i'm getting sick and tired of the 'not knowing', and just wanna take back charge of my life.Heck,if i drove the whole thing off the cliff,i'd meet God with a half broken toothy grin and say, 'dang that felt good!'.#heresy, i know quoting from Joshua Harris' Blog:

Nowhere in the Bible does it say "God helps those who help themselves." But it does tell us that God helps those who wait for him and hope in him.

But a part of me still tells me to: "Fight this man.". The intricate details of these are hard. Like, meen,jeez!I've lived quite abit and have pocketed a few experiences along the way, but admitedly, none this difficult. Today i asked God frankly, "Why is this happening to me?" "Why am i at the center of this mess?". And i recalled my recent thoughts about modern day supermen.

Life, as we know it (My CrossRoads 2)

Today,I said to myself:Fight this, man. But how much i hate drama! I don't watch Hollyoaks,or one tree hill, or any other series that smells like soap. I've always believed that life has enough worries of its own, why should i want to entertain myself by watching fictional turmoil. I'd rather laugh, or be fascinated by SciFi's or thrillers. So imagine my horror when someone decided it's my turn to become the center of real-life dramatics!

Note: I now officially hate being Nigerian and everything associated with our african traditional roots. Culture, believes, its all crap. I can totally understand now why many have left the shores of home, accepted the ideals of another culture and never looked back. I might never look back.

So,someone very close to me fell ill recently. Really ill, but we hope she'll get better. Alot of people freaked out at the situation, in particular, my family. Yes, without a doubt, i have my own bouts of fears,but being closest to the person in concern, i've kept them at bay and insisted on being supportive. It's my support that's become my reason for all of these crap. I don't get us Nigerians, seriously,i think for the most part of it, we're narrow minded, unnecessarily fearfull.

I've lived long and hard enough to know that, "Sometimes, life happens.".Anything can happen to anybody at any point in time. You might loose a loved one tommorrow, you might crash in a plane next week...for the most part of it, we can only do the best we can to safe life, but none of us is above the lemons and curveballs that life can throw at anytime. So, help me understand,why i should pick up my skirt and run like everybody else? What if in my running, i ran into an incoming truck? What if i ran and ran head first into something far worse than what i was picking tail from in the first place? We all have our opinions...of which we are entitled to.

Life,as we know it (My Cross Roads 1)

I have often bitched about insensitive bloggs who go on and on about their personal problems and seem to forget that the rest of us take coffee and crackers type delight in the formerly lighthearted nature of their blogs. Since i realize that i am fast becoming one of such people, i apologize in advance. But to be frank, for the past few weeks and maybe subsequent ones,i'm needing this blogg just for me...if that makes any sense at all. Matter-of-fact,i've considered that the level of shit i might be disclosing if i am unable to revert to taking personal charge of my own issues, might just provide the fine culmination to these pages. Fuck, life just got too heavy! And if this all ends like fairy tale, then it'd be a fine place to put up smiley faces of the nut cracker behind this blog-because at that point, really, there'd be no more need for privacy or annonymity-having said all already.

Wordless



On this day...8/3/2011.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Gidi Blues!!!! (Friday night par-tay)



I am hereby officially missing my gidi nights~the occassional jazz n blues at the Muson center, oooh that suya spot we hang out on Gerald after work, MotherLan+lagbaja=Konko below!, the crew at Terra, Ikoyi club nights, roasted fish at country club, that african restaurant in yaba behind CCC (jeez,i am forgetting names already!)Finicky,or something like that!Forget all that silverbird and whats the name of its counterpart in lekki??!!...I can't believe i am forgetting names of places and streets already!!!Noooo,i cannot forget!!!Meen, i am ditching this place and going home for christmas!!!

But for the moment, sisi eko is rocking the airways in Brum, in preparation for our after dissertation naija party at Edgaston!!!!Ooooohhh!!Gidi sha, for all the sufferring and smiling!!!!

Oya Stop, I say Stop!!!Park yair, park yair!!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Letters to future me


Dear me...This is for that day you will wake up at 40 and wonder why i brought us to this place...(well if we didn't hit the delete on this blog somewhere along the way).

Sometime towards the end of our M.Sc programme,life happened, and i was brought to a cross road, faced with a decision to continue down a certain road,or change direction. This was the place (for most parts) that brought us to where we stand today. And standing i did,dear me. (If indeed Heaven gave me the grace to stand)

For some reason,i think back to the childhood story of PeterPan and his fascination with Never land...Incase,you have forgotten,something happened to us long time back,where we fought hard till we almost bleed to death...we fought for an idea,a suppossed ideal,and we came out with the goal. That is fine. Battles make you stronger,and they sure did. But like PeterPan,when something traumatises your whole being,you tend to subsequently lock it away in a far closet and choose to forget,wanting to be child forever along with the part of you that survived the wars....That is why i have always laughed the loudest,because i treasure the simplicity of predictable everyday joys and quietness.

But somewhere towards the tail end of Business School,those old doors got jarred open again and i remembered the reality of what it means to go to war. But you know,when you grow older, if you ever have to fight again,you pick your fights. You are no longer fighting for an ideal or a vague idea...you have now understood life better,so you know what idea makes sense and what doesn't...but still dear me,there is the bit of justice and principles that may constrain you. It is on the basis of this, that i am forced to stand up, forget Never land, and be a man once again...even though scarred as hell. But should i have run away dear me - because i was afraid?...Wouldn't you have mocked me as a fool? But what if being a fool brought you quieter days at 40? Do you see the tyranny of choices..you just never ever know. You only do your best, i did my best i swear i did.

I am not sure what choice i will make right now,but i know it will radically determine the course of our days,- heck more your days than mine! You wonder why i am so cynical and irrational,may this little piece answer your questions. The apostle Paul once quoted saying...'even if my life is being poured out as a drink offering..'Those are the words of a man who knew the implications of his decisions before he made them,yet he made them still...that is where i stand today dear me.. I know what this might lead to,yet i might continue...

I really hope your life turned out more beautiful than mine. I hope i did not put you in a place of regret and turmoil...I hope i made the right choice, and even for all the stress you might have to endure, that your days are still laced with plenty silver linnings- the fruit of the ideal that i choose to believe in. Dear me...there aren't alot from which you can base your decisions in life. There is God, principles, and the rest is just flakes from which you hope luck plays you a good card. I've found that God many atimes goes quiet when you have to make a choice..because choice is a gift He's given to us and will not take back. He gives you an idea and waits for you to decide. The best one can do maybe,is to take that idea,and mix with the best intentions-in justice and faith, then let life churn the rest out....Nobody can make a choice for you,nobody did...so i take unflinching responsibility.

You know all i am talking about...heck i wish it just turned out that i was being over dramatic here - if wishes were horses,i'd sure as hell ride out of here right now. And that's the crux of the whole matter, to ride this horse, or get off whilst i still can...that was the choice as the doors the NeverLand got closed forever. Behold i set before you this day, Life and Death, choose...what?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

S*a*d (The Quiet)



If you've lived long and hard enough,you'd know that life isn't always coozy coffee and crackers. Some days and times are b*a*d, s*a*d...but that's just life.

I wore a hospital gown a few days ago and laid out on a surgery table....I'm fine,but let no one kid you,some days are anxious, s*a*d...but that's just life.

Usually i would delete that last bit because i hardly put up personal posts that are too easy to decipher,but of lately i've been blogging just for myself and my sanity...truth...a few words....

On a different T.Note even still,I might have to brace myself for some rough days ahead...pick up the gaunlet and fight again. I'd grown tired of fighting, i thought Obama ended all the wars!


You know,i wonder,if you see trouble ahead,should you keep walking towards it(even when you've fought too many troubles already in your days),or just knowingly take a detour?!

P.S please don't badger me with calls (i will not pick o),i'm really peachy peachy good ;-)If i cannot offload here, then where else could i heyy?!

I love Inyamu's pages,she always has something uplifting:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

So when do you get married anyways? (A blatantly honest post)


This note is borne out of being awake at one p.m due to a wandering mind that will not let be. Hence, it may have no structure – as typical of many other t.notes. The crux of my question is, when does a man get married? As in seriously.

I have realized alot of things during this past one year. One of them is the plain fact that i spent the whole of my previous years in lagos cooking up excuses to fleet away from the whole cabal of marital life. It was, after i get a better job, after i finish my professional exams, after i get a bigger appartment, up until the best and last one – “after i’ve gotten a masters from an FT ranked Business school.” Well it all worked so far until this moment where i am tidying up my dissertation to submit, and the question is coming back to bite me in the ass. Only that this time, i have clearly run out of bright ideas. When does a guy get married anyways?

I accept the fact that the audacity of this post and my obviously underlying reticence from the institution of marriage might maybe be ironic, even a seeming spit on the face to many women who are doing best to deal with the depression imposed by parents and peers who keep badgering them with the opposite end of the question in their own right of ‘when will you find a man and settle down?!” Dunno, maybe in my own honesty, i might provide a hint of clue to the other side of the coin from the man’s perspective. Or maybe all of this will still not make sense...All of that withstanding, frankly,as per this subject,i would admitt that life may not be so fair to female liberty there. The thought of waiting for some man to make himself as some chivalric heroe that deems himself fit to come and sweep me off my feet and whisk me away from the endless badgering into his two-bit home as his wife & property...make me shudder!#justsaying.

As i have said earlier, the past one year has been a pandora’s box of learning curves for me, as day in day out, i faced up to the worst of me, like i many times poured out into these pages. I do not reject any of my experiences, even as of the ones i repent of. I point this out to highlight my most recent excuse to the question of this post, which i coined thus: I will get married after i have tasted the company of as many and as diverse of women as possibly can! I justified it as some kind of King Solomon’s irony (read your Bible if unaware). So as i did best to fleet away from the question that will not let be, i spent countless hours indulging countless, many times meaningless chats with some amazing women(giving kudos where it is due). Hopped buses and trains for dates in the weirdest of places we could think of...Enjoyed the wonder of starting off blind chats to the exciting trepidation of finally meeting the other person at the end of the screen...Been in beds with some...(rather ahemm interesting) women, and in this particular process, earning myself a funny reputation of being that guy who gets a woman half naked, then hops off the bed with some mumbled excuse before hurrying out of the room. As i recall many of these instances, i can only SMH, with a tinge of LOL, and evil smirk. I point out non-regret, because my intentions in all have remained noble, i have not put anybody in any compromising position (fact), no durex satchets were harmed during any of these escapades, and have neither broken any willing hearts. Still all part of the learning, i told myself...but still i have not answered the underlying question. And as a friend of mine quoted recently on FB...it is no use investing your hard spent life in someone you are not going to commit too—it is bad investment. Is it?

The question bit harder over this weekend as i headed out to a reunion resort trip with a bunch of old friends. On my way i passed by musco’s town, called him up as usual, (See i am ever so faithful to that man) but as usual, he didn’t pick up his phone. (Later he’ll be preaching to me. I wonder what he’s always doing sef!). Anyways, the jarring point of the weekend shinding was me finding myself the centerpoint of same ole ruddy question- since i was apparently the last of the pack still purposefully riding the crest of bachelorhood with no seeming indication of nearing any formal commitment. T.Notes man, what are you waiting for?! When are gonna get married?! I replied every of the question with xteristic humour, cynic cut-backs, sarcasms and many a evil winks. I thought i did pretty well as i caught the train back to base at the end of it all, except that their evil deed was already done, leaving the seed of the question properly sold and spawning within me – badgering throughout the three hour train trip.



I will continue the rest of these meandering thoughts back in bed. Trip was long and i am tired, but i will leave with these final thoughts....I know that i hate the idea of allowing my life to become normal and predictable, hence i refuse to make a commitment. I know that i selfishly covert my freedom too much to want to give it away to the bounds of marital commitment. I know that i am scarred of getting old and i hold a thought that once i get married and one kid pops, then i am on the fast track to retirement. I know that i struggle way too hard with too many of my evil devices, so i wonder how i will ever forever remain faithfull to one person. I know that i despice all of the paparazzi that Nigerians have made the whole of marriage become. I hate the jamboree, the attention, the glitz...please let be! I just see it as, if i am going to give in and do this, i know it might be a hard road ahead when i consider all of my devices, but i know that i would want to give the best to the person i commit to, i know that i have my moral wits around me. So i would opt for a quiet union in London, and face the rest of the ordeal in quietness and help from God! I fear that when they make a big deal out of the whole wedding thing, two weeks afterwards, i might decide that, babe, ehmm,this thing ain’t working ooo!!!So all that said, when and how could i possibly get married?!!When will i wake up and finally ‘get it’! Will that ‘moment’ ever come?

Musco asked me recently that, what’s so special about Tz anyways, is she so breathtaking such that i am stupidly willing to risk all of the common sense of all i have spent years of lives building?! The answer to that question may be relevant here. I can’t get married to Tz, (lol) she’s too wild at heart. But recently, we sat down and casually discussed marriage and as i guessed, i found her listing for herself every one of my own mis-inclinations/reasons not to get married. She wasn’t being callous or racey...instead she had the similar distant reflective look that i have right now casually typing these words, as she finished off finally looking my way and concluding...why should i get married T—however ways we consider it, it’s not going to end well - someone will just end of getting hurt. Give me good reason that stands, and i will get married.

In as much as this is a personal reflection...if you are reading (as i would be sometime in the near future), understand that I do not conclude out of arrogance, but out of frank wonder and quietness.

Good night...jeez i am tired!



P.S: Arike, i cannot seem to be able to access you blog URL. if you could paste it into a reply,would love to hop into your soup soon!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The word-less...



...between me and YOU...
Even if this was all we achieved...
But yet still,i dare to reach out for more.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Is my...ahem...too big?...and this business of shining the congo!

Musco and inStilettos are crazy nutters!!!If you want to laugh out loud on a lazy friday night,i recommend that you conference call with those two!(P.S, where in heaven is YN?!I miss her like crazy!)Anyways,I will use this note to drop the requested details about Tz which i could not answer then due to ahem...external circumstances. And also...this business of SHINING THE CONGO!(SMH).

About Tz,i have a question(which should answer your question).I.e What really goes on in the powder room when you're having a home-date and the girl excuses herself and briefly enters the bathroom?!Like really?!#perplexed.
Buena Vista Residence modern powder room
I have always always been curious!And i wondered yet again when Tz took that infamous powder room excuse, then returned with her top blouse flying loose,low cut jeans riding dangerously low,looking so uber hawt,i didn't need a soothsayer to let me know something wrong was about to go down. So i did the sensible thing...of which you'd best use your imagination to handle the rest jare! But i will use that cue to treat Mena's fuckup here about this shinning your congo/kondo business.

Here's the great mystery explained:

Once upon a time,musco tried to chance Mena from T.notes, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during s$%x.
Musco was concerned that he was disappointing his new
lover, so he called his ever reliable friend T.Notes for advice. T.Notes gave musco the old age advice that shinning the congo before s$#x often helped men last longer during the act. Musco decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his toyota truck
over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as
if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to shine his congo.

He closed his eyes and thought of mena. As he grew closer to a congo eruption,he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
Musco replied,"I'm checking out the rear silencer/axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well,you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." (A true not-so-old folktale retold!)

And that my friends,is how Musco lost Mena,and T.Notes got his game back on- currently cuddling, being a darling and nursing our vixen angel-blogger back to health!Lol!

A final note of caution about congo shining:


P.S Hi Mena:Hope you feel better real soon.xxx.

P.P.S: Oh,about post title...At first i used to believe it was just because i have this compulsion for excessive buyings of new brief,boxers and things,but what do you think, maybe i should get braces for my big mouth!!lol!

Have a fab weekend people!